Life · as · a · Raven

What an age it has been since I last laid my eyes on anything LiveJournal based.

I have been keeping various blogs over various time frames and have only recently begun to look for things from the past.

A lot of these entries are painful to read, but such was my life at the time they were written and captured here. They have, in a way, become the groundwork for who I am today. -Please excuse the cliche, but you can't deny the facts of life, and growing from your mistakes.

Things have changed so much since I last really used this form of archiving.

So much, in fact, that I feel I should save the 'big update' for a later date.

I've missed you, LiveJournal, and the comfort you gave me when all else seemed null. I have returned with a new, more powerful voice, and cannot wait to share the joyous happenings of my new life.

Until then, I bid you adieu.



Leigh M. Panek
Resigned Captain of the Star-Ship Misery

Everybody's Free
(to wear sunscreen)
Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.


Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.


Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

i've never been happier
and i mean that

what i thought was happiness with you
doesn't even come close to what i have now

you are nothing to me
as you were the day i left you there

you can sit there in denile
saying i'm worthless
stupid; a fuckup

but you look at your life
how you're sitting there in your cold dark apartment
alone

you can fuck hoes, and drool over tramps
but when you're fucking them
on our bed
you think of me
and know i'm happy

things here couldn't be better for me
harrison and i are talking about marriage now

probably after bike week, heh
tomorrow is a huge day for us

*crosses fingers*
boys boys boys boys!

haha, meanwhile, i'm back in school
via the world wide web

in any case, i'm off to pick up harrison
and spend the night watching old movies
and talking about the future. :D

♥

Please, I am asking, no begging all of you to simply not call, don't text..
Just stop making any effort to contact me
The rest of the week is for me and my family
Show some respect and leave me to my grieving

My flight leaves in a few hours.. 2:50-ish,
but I won't touch down in Louisville, KY until roughly 5,
where we shall proceed to wait in the airport for a 6pm arrival from Pennsylvania
My Grandfathers brother Walt, and his sister Edna will be joining us.

I've never really lost anyone close to me before..
Sure, my Uncle Kenneth 7-8 years back, but he and I were never close..
My Grandpa Jim.. God, what can't be said about him..

Unnaturally intellegent, so very organized, compassionate, witty, playful..
I mean this man, when I was younger.. He would get on the floor and play with me..
Taught me how to play go-fish.. checkers..
We used to sit in his recliner together and read books on the Titanic and Egypt..
He is the sole person that got me intersted in the arts..
He always told me that I could write for anyone, anywhere..
that if I just believed it, I could do it all..

I've decided to write a book now.. for real
The dedication page will be all his.. The whole book, rather
Dedicated to the one man I truly loved..

I miss him so much.. and going to Nana's tonight, and being there.. I'm going to faulter
The rest of the family is going to be just as sad.. which will make it that much harder.
I'm not going to be able to contain myself, I can say that with confidence
Seriously, I couldn't even tell my employer's Dave and Sally..
I tried to, and they didn't hear me, so I had to repeat myself..
I had to say it aloud for the world to hear.. for it to become real again..
That he died..
I got to 'my grandpa di..' and completely lost it in front of the entire lunch crowd..
Even after I sat in the car for something like 10 minutes trying to calm down
To gather my senses and breathe a little bit before I went inside

I am sitting here now, attempting to type through tears..
I haven't stopped crying since yesterday morning when I awoke to such horrible news..
I fear now that I won't ever stop crying
Although I'm not nearly that naive..
I'm aware that the pain will fade, and the memories though happy, that burn my heart
will transform into the happy moments they once were
but for now.. right here, at this moment in my life.. my little bubble of Leigh..
the pain is so great, and my heart is so heavy

I never truly understood the urge to wear black to funerals,
or to services
but I've wanted to wear nothing but black since I got the news

The coroner ruled 'Massive Heart Attack' as the C.o.D
What a pity..

In closure, I love you, Grandpa, and even though you're gone now..
I will continue to love you
and I vow to forever cherish your memory

♥

I was just sitting there in the car, as one does on their way to work, listening to 98.9 WMMO through my shitty speakers on my even shittier radio when the Righteous Brothers' version of 'Unchained Melody' came on.

There is so much behind that song.. Deeper meaning, seemingly-fathomable emotions, unbriddled love and desire.. In truth, not even this seemingly tiny web-based journal is capable of containing all the details much further than that. With a swift turn of the dial, I was able to silence those horrible speakers and, in turn, save myself from a session of self-pity and loathing.

Weak. Though relatively small in appearance such a word is capable of a rather substantial amount of pain. The rippling waves of agony that shoot through my body upon realization of myself in its reference is almost crippling. Whence it first met my ears and my name preceeded it, I was broken down.. Snapped in several pieces and left to sort out the misery by way of tears.. It was after many confrontations with this word and dealing with its pain via crying that I came to realize I was only proving them right.. To cry is to show forth your weakness to the onlooking world.. A torment I no longer allow myself to endure.

I have yet to cry over those four letters since.

I am not weak, in any right, in any sense.. Although not many believe me. They have chosen to sit back and await the moment for which I now strive.. To prove them wrong.

My head is a whirlwind of misconceptions, and a craziness that stems from every aspect of my life. I've tried many a night to sit down at these keys and sort some of it out through the miracle that is typing.. Alas, as you can see, that hasn't been working, for I've yet to make any real attempt.

Attempt.. To try.. Another life-mechanism that I can't live up to.

I've yet to go beyond being so very disappointed in myself, but it seems like no matter how hard I try to get those around me to come to the same realization, they simply continue to stare at me.. Blank are the faces around me, oblivious to my internal torture and the misfortunes that follow in its' path

Sleep is where I belong now. And so I part.

The next time you're out eating at a resturant, look at your server. Do you think they are really happy to be doing that job? The answer is no, they are not, but it's what we do, and we do it for the money so please help them out. Its a tougher job than you think and you should pay them accordingly! There are SO many people out there flooding the restaurants without any knowledge of how to tip.

Here is a short guide for the general public to follow. Feel free to print out and store in your wallet and/or purse.

1. CHILDREN "THE LITTLE DEVILS": If you have children, DO NOT let them, open and dump anything on the table (ie; salt, sugar, etc). IF YOU DO, you must leave an extra $5 for the server to clean up YOUR CHILD'S mess &; to restock the now unusable wasted items. We are neither their babysitter nor their parent. The least you can do is pay us for the extra work. Also make sure you control your kids and don't let them scream or run around the restraunt. It's very distracting not to mention dangerous if they get ran over by a server with hot food in their hands.

2. "THE CAMPERS": If you feel the necessity to stay for longer than 15 minutes after you pay, its an extra $3 every 30 minutes. We make our money from the tables. If you are in one and we can't seat it, we don't make any money.

3. COMPLIMENTS: Telling a server they are the best server they've ever had is not a tip. If we are good, let us know by leaving us more money. We cant pay our bills on compliments. Its not that we don't appreciate the praise, its just that if you say that and then leave 10% it's an insult.

4. THE SALVATION PAMPHLETS: Prayer cards and any other religious pamphlet is NOT a tip. It is insulting that you assume we are without religion and must save us. Again, like ..#3, we cant pay bills with prayer cards. We'd go to church on Sundays if it wasn't basically mandatory to work because of the games, not to mention EVERYONE who goes to church follows it by eating out.

5. TIPPING: It is not 1960. The cost of living has gone up dramatically since then. 18% is the MINIMUM amount of what you should be tipping your servers. Just look at the tax line and multiply by 2-3, this gives you your minimum tip amount. Remember, our companies pay us minimum wage (minumum wage for servers is $6.75 in CA, $3.13 in FL, $3.09 in IA, $2.13 in TX) And we are taxed on 10 percent of your meal automatically anyway. So if your meal is $100 and you leave $10 and we tip out $4-5 to the busser, bartender, and whoever else then we pay tax on 10 dollars and we make $5. It seems small but it adds up. How many times do you eat out per week and do this?

6. THE COMPLAINERS: If you get a discount because of your food was prepared wrong or something, do not take it out of our tip. We didn't cook it. The cooks get paid hourly regardless if the food sucks. However, we only make what you give us.

7. THE FREE STUFF: If you happen to get anything for free and you did not have a problem with your dining experience, most of the time it is because the server thinks you will realize that they are giving it to you for free. There should be extra tip thanking the server for the free item. They could get in a lot of trouble giving away free stuff. You should give them hazard pay for it. This rule basically covers the 'give a little to get a little' principle, but keep in mind 'little' should be taken figuratively, not literally.

8. THE LATE ONES: If you come into the restraunt 10 mins before closing or any time near closing hurry up and order your food and get out. Closed means closed, not social hour. It is so rude to sit there and take your sweet ass time. We can't leave until you leave because we have to do sidework and clean the table you are sitting at, not to mention we can't start vaccuming until you get the fuck out. We don't want to stand there waiting for you for an extra hour just because you don't want to go home. We recommend 24 hour establishments such as Dennys if you wish to sit into the latest hours of the night.

9. THE TABLE HOGGERS: If you only come in for coffee or a dessert, to do paper work, or to have a meeting, don't sit there taking up our booths for hours. We are not Starbucks or a hotel restraunt. If you want to sit for hours, go there or else you better leave a good tip for us and camping fee included. Do your business at the office, home, or some business-oriented restaurant.

10. THE GREET: When we come up to the table to greet you and we ask how you are doing please let us know. We honestly want to know how you are doing. If you are in a bad mood we want to know that from the beginning. A confused stare or complete silence does not suffice as a reply to "How are you doing?". Also most of us are REQUIRED to say certain things during the greeting, so please don't interrupt our greeting and say "I want coffee", "Can we get some bread?", or "What are the soups?" We're not always thrilled to be there, so if we're going out of our way to be courteous, take the hint, and return the favor. If you're going to be rude and completely disrespectful ontop of demanding, don't expect much of a cheery persona from us.

11. THOSE DAMN CELL PHONES: Don't ever talk on your cell phone in a restraunt. This is probably the rudest thing to do. If you must be on your cell, at least keep your voice down in respect for other customers. If you are on your cell phone when we walk up to greet your table we will walk away and not return until you get off your phone. Just show some respect and give us your attention for a couple of minutes. You've been to a restaurant before, you know how the system works, you have to talk to your server to get what you want, and in order to do that, you need to put the phone down.

12. TAKE-AWAY OR TO-GOS: Always remember to tip the take-out order servers! They work just as hard as a server, and hardly ever get tips for it! I mean seriously, someone had to put your food together, check it, bag it, equip it, and bring it out to you, so why would you jip them? WE DESERVE TO BE TIPPED TOO!


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SERVERS READING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please repost this so the word can get out, since so many people are uneducated about tips and how our lives depend on it - at least for now